One week until Christmas. Usually by now I would have taken a day off work to pick up the last few gifts that I couldn't get online. (Online shopping is the bomb!) But this year, I did not even visit Amazon.com or any of my usual online stores. I have not shopped at all. I have a scrub Christmas tree that has one strand of lights and under the tree is NOTHING. I have been a bit panicked about it; I've felt like someone is sitting on my chest. Every time I think about going out the week before Christmas and not only STARTING to shop, but FINISHING it… I get heart palpitations. Surely this isn't what it's all about, is it?
I've only myself to blame. Years ago, I got caught up in the commercialization of Christmas; of seeing my boys' eyes light up when they came down the stairs on Christmas morning and finding Santa had dumped the mother lode under our tree! I wanted them to have the same feelings I had when I was their age. But as they have gotten older, finding the perfect gift is harder and more expensive. They've become individuals with distinct tastes. Shopping is a chore. Oh, how I long for the day when they were entertained, not so much by the gift, but by the box it came in!
THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Some good friends and I met today for our annual Christmas lunch. Just being around their smiles and friendship has lifted my heart. Jules provided each of us with a huge gift bag of homemade candies and cookies. The things she made were almost exactly what my mom would make every Christmas. I can't describe how much this simple gift has touched me this year. She given me so much more than just goodies; she has helped me feel Mom's presence again. And I've been weepy all day. But it's a good weepy. J
Then tonight, my oldest son asks if I could give him some of the money that I would normally spend on him so that he could buy small gifts for a few of his friends. It was more important that he give them a gift than to have me spend it on him. This has really touched me. Perhaps I haven't failed at all. And if I weren't weepy enough, this has started it all over again.